Politicians as your Step-Dad (Who would you choose?)
Conservatives - Jacob Rees Mogg
Pros:
Has a massive house, with waiters, butlers, and a tailor on hand to measure you up for any double breasted suit you may want.
Cons:
Weird upper-class banter, might make of the cuff remark about colonialism in front of your woke friends.
He takes up all the sofa on movie night, and at other inappropriate times. (But occasionally that’s jokes)
8/10
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Labour - Keir Starmer
Pros:
Would have good chat and wouldn’t mind you being in charge of the remote.
Cons:
Being a lawyer he would beat you in every argument at the dinner table, he’d even make you look like an idiot as he did it. He’d ask you to provide evidence for your opinions and then ask that it be backed up with statistics.
This guy loves evidence and facts and he’d bring up evidence of you coming back late and keep transcripts of conversations that you have with him just in case he may need to bring it up in case you contradict yourself.
5/10
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Conservatives - Dominic Raab
Pros:
Would be very keen to get you onside, would let you win house disputes, buy you random and expensive gifts like a PS5 to try and win you round.
Cons:
Really awkward in front of your mates. Would embarrass you on a regular basis. Holds his morning coffee really weirdly, while awkwardly smiling at you before you leave the house.
7/10
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Conservatives - Boris Johnson
Pros:
This isn’t his first being a step-dad rodeo. He knows what’s up. You would never have to be smart again.
Cons:
when he did come home he would completely takeover, the telly, the fridge, it’s all his. Would take the piss out if you in front of ya mates and take it too far. Your mates would love him more than you did and always ask where he was.
6/10
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Tory SPAD - Dominic Cummings
Cons:
When he goes slightly blind he insists on driving you to shite national heritage sites. Randomly has mad outbursts of rage shouting about how shit the civil service is even though yer mum works there. Never shares the telly, acts like you don’t really exist.
Pros:
Doesn’t take an interest in you so as long as you stay out of his way you can do what you want.
5/10
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BREXIT Party - Nigel Farage
Pros:
Loves a pint, the local landlords all love him, you get free pints at pubs. Good banter. Happy to share some tinnies at the weekend too.
Cons:
All he talks about is how much he hates the EU, he talks of nothing else.
6.5/10
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Independant - Rory Stewart
Pros:
Would let you do what you wanted round the house. Generally alright bloke, doesn’t get mad, if you needed anything he’d sort it. Annoyingly he’s kind of better than your real dad.
Cons:
Would insist on shite weekend museum trips, and have deep conversations with you about what the meaning of the soul is.
9/10
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Labour - Gordon Brown
Cons:
Definitely too old for yer maw and a bit of a temper. Always shouts at you in a thick Scottish accent. Absolute banter vacuum. Shit car, Ya never see yer maw again because she moves up to Scotland!
Pros:
Not arsed about the telly cos he spends most of his time reading the paper. Mind you he talks t himself as he reads and then you can’t hear the TV properly.
4.5/10
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